I was talking about depression recently and I realized some things. Like this whole thing about forgiving myself is great and all, but I still haven’t forgiven, or even tried to forgive, the depression itself. I think in metaphors and similes a lot, and it came to me that it’s like family. Even when you don’t see it for a long time, or you’re just dreading one of its all-too long visits, it’s still a part of your world. You can disown it, but that doesn’t change the connection. It won’t set you free.
So while I’ve been saying all the right things about learning to let it flow through you and accept yourself, I’ve also kept a war mentality about it. Like an “it’s either me or you” kind of thing. But the thing is, depression is part of me, part of my cells. It’s in my DNA, and to hate it with passion is wasting perfectly amazing passion that I could put somewhere else. Hating depression won’t make it leave me alone, won’t clear a path to eternal joy. And eternal joy is best left to the afterlife anyway, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Me, I’m aiming for peace, as much as I can make, here and now. So I’ve done the work, learned to respect my own boundaries, learned to nurture myself like a friend or mother. Okay, at least some of the time! But I’ve tried to ignore the part of me that is depression, because it’s not a friendly house-guest, and I’d oust it if I could. Cure it like cancer, and save us all. Ah, but I can’t. So I won’t.
So here we are, connected, wary, trying to learn to get by in life without falling too far off the ledge. And I do know that as good as things are right now, my odds of never seeing its face again are pretty damn low. So maybe if I can accept this thing, this dark, ugly, black-hole-peace-swallowing thing, maybe I won’t feel like a total loser when it comes to raid my fridge and take over my home. Maybe I can try to remember that the visit will end. It is what it is, after all. Like any wild thing, or that one relative of yours who just doesn’t have any empathy and doesn’t know when to leave. I can’t tame it, or teach it. All I can do is learn to accept it for what it is, and hope that by doing so the next visit will be easier, and shorter.
Hopefully, it will be a good long while before I get to find out how that goes.