Into the wild blue yonder


8325335Last night I dreamed that I could fly an airplane. Not just some little lightweight plane, but a bona fide 747 type thing, with room for loads of people. And I ended up carrying loads indeed, family, friends, and other people we picked up along the way. People were camping in my plane, and I think I remember some animals too.

In this dream last night, I was trying to take care of everyone on my airplane, and they all wanted different things, and everyone was telling me where to go, how high to fly, which people I needed to go pick up next…  It started, I think, because I was trying to fly my loved ones to someplace nice, a vacation spot with beach and sun. But the jobs kept getting harder and harder, and then there was danger, and I was focusing on my job, and keeping everyone safe, and I forgot vacation completely.

Everyone on my plane was grading my performance, and telling me I was lacking. The pressure was getting to me, and people were complaining that I wasn’t taking them where they wanted to go in the first place. Somewhere around the point where I was becoming aware in real life that I was dreaming, I woke up realizing I don’t even know how to fly at all.

Now, I don’t mind flying as a passenger in planes very much, but I am scared of heights – or more precisely, I’m scared of falling from heights. But in this dream, I didn’t mind zooming up into the clouds. I wasn’t afraid of flying. But I also didn’t find it freeing, which is another dream I sometimes have where I’m like a piece of paper just floating and flying and looking around. I love that dream. This one, not so much.

A lot of people have dreams about driving. I’ve studied this a bit, and I understand the meaning is usually some sort of control over your own direction in life. You may dream that someone else is driving and you’re terrified because they’re driving like maniacs. You may dream that you’re driving but the weather is terrible and you’re losing control of the car and you wake up just at the moment you’re sure you were about to die a flaming death.

So I’m pretty sure my airplane dream was like that, but, you know, bigger. To me, it means I’ve been trying to please everyone and control the direction we’re all going in as well. It’s classic enabler stuff, but also the dream of someone who is learning in the harshest possible ways real life can teach that I can’t fix things for other people and all the worry in the world isn’t going to change anyone else’s path. And if I keep fighting to keep everyone in the air, I might make us all crash and burn more than we already have.

So, long story short, you all have to fly yourselves. Everyone! And I wish you a safe and adventurous journey. I hope for postcards and visits along the way. I hope you soar! But my pilot days are over, for now anyway. I’m going to focus my damnedest on keeping my own feet firmly on the ground until I figure out where to go next, and how to let go of the feelings that I am supposed to control anything at all except myself. Finding my own happiness and direction is a big enough job, and it’s time I got to work on that. Fly safely!

1 Comment

  1. Robyn

    um, was I on your plane? was I camping on your plane?


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